


Freedom Pals Group Chat

by yikes_man_yikes



Category: South Park
Genre: Freedom Pals - Freeform, Group chat, M/M, also theyre still 10 in this but idk how to write kids so uhhh, but thats ok bc theyre super mature in the show so thats my excuse, group chats are such a stream of consiousness this is just my add gone wild, i needed an excuse for them to all be in a chat together, im having a great time, none of these tags are going to do anything what am i doing here, ok thats a lie this is set after they finish playing superheroes but, so its the freedom pals group chat post freedom pals, this is just dumb memes what a good time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-22 07:37:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14303940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikes_man_yikes/pseuds/yikes_man_yikes
Summary: Mysterion: also Butters you have a point we should change the ~*Aesthetic*~ of this chat (◡‿◡✿)Human Kite: Must you type it like that?Mysterion: (ᅌᴗᅌ✿)Human Kite: Oh my god.





	1. Chapter 1

**_Freedom Pals_ **

_21/11/17 10:46am_

 

 **Super Craig:** we stopped playing superheroes weeks ago why the fuck is this group chat still a thing

 

 **Tupperware:** That’s a good point. Should we delete this chat?

 

 **Fastpass:** That just seems like a waste of a perfectly good group chat. Maybe we should just make it a normal chat?

 

 **The Coon:** Well if we’re doing that then i dont want to talk to fucking scott malkinson for longer than i have to

 

_Eric Cartman has kicked Scott Malkinson from Freedom Pals_

 

 **Human Kite:** Dude. That was uncalled for.

 

 **The Coon:** So what you wanted to talk to scott malkinson?

 

 **Human Kite:** …

 

 **Human Kite:** Well you could have been nicer about it.

 

 **The Coon:** Whatever jew

 

 **The Coon:** While were at it with kicking people from the chat

 

_Eric Cartman has kicked Douchebag from Freedom Pals_

 

 **Toolshed:** wait why would you kick out the new kid i liked him?

 

 **The Coon:** Dude he never fucking talks theres no point having him here

 

 **Toolshed:** touché.

 

 **Mosquito:** DOUCHÉ

 

 **Super Craig:** clyde shut the fuck up or you’re getting kicked

 

 **Mosquito:** Thats ok ill just get someone to add me back

 

 **Super Craig:** that’s not the kind of kicking i’m talking about

 

 **Mosquito:** Shutting up

 

_Kenny McCormick added Butters Stotch to Freedom Pals_

 

 **The Coon:** Kenny what the fuck

 

 **Butters Stotch:** BWAHAHA! IT IS I! PROFESSOR CHAOS! NOW I SHALL LEARN ALL THE SECRETS OF THE FREEDOM PALS SO I CAN DESTROY YOU!

 

 **Mysterion:** Butters we arent playing superheroes anymore this is just a normal chat now

 

 **Butters Stotch:** Oh alright!

 

 **Butters Stotch:** I just saw the name of the chat and everyone’s names and thought we were playing superheroes again.

 

 **The Coon:** Kenny why would you add butters no one wants to talk to butters

 

 **Mysterion:** no one wants to talk to you fatass but youre still here

 

 **Mysterion:** plus *I* want to talk to Butters so shut the fuck up

 

 **Butters Stotch:** Thanks Kenny!

 

 **Mysterion:** also Butters you have a point we should change the ~*Aesthetic*~ of this chat (◡‿◡✿)

 

 **Human Kite:** Must you type it like that?

 

 **Mysterion:** (ᅌᴗᅌ✿)

 

 **Human Kite:** Oh my god.

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Kyle Broflovski’s name to Lyle_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Stan Marsh’s name to Stand_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Butters Stotch’s name to Butterscotch_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Craig Tucker’s name to Creeg_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Tweek Tweak’s name to Tweet_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Token Black’s name to Tolken_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Clyde Donovan’s name to Slide_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Jimmy Valmer’s name to Jimothy_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Timmy Burch’s name to Tim Tim_

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed Eric Cartman’s name to Fatass_

 

 **Lyle:** This makes me… incredibly uncomfortable.

 

 **Mysterion:** what do you mean lyle? i just made everyones names normal again

 

 **Mysterion:** wait i forgot to do myself

 

 **Mysterion:** haha do myself

 

 **Creeg:** jesus christ

 

_Kenny McCormick has changed his name to Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** there we go now its perfect

 

 **Fatass:** I hate you kenny

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** the feeling is mutual ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

 **Slide:** Where do you get all your emojis kenny theyre amazing!

 

 **Creeg:** DO NOT TELL HIM

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** theyre all on some website i found ill send you the link

 

 **Tolken:** NO

 

 **Slide:** Thank you kenny!!! <3

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** youre welcome ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

 **Stand:** great now theres two of them.

 

 **Slide:** Oh my god there are so many options

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** i know its wild

 

 **Slide:** Oh craig i found one for you!

 

 **Creeg:** i want no part in this

 

 **Slide:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Creeg:** …

 

 **Creeg:** nevermind i can get on board with this

 

 **Slide:** YES CRAIG!

 

 **Tolken:** Craig I expected better from you.

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** AM I DREAMING OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE THIS?????

 

 **Jimothy:** Who are you and what have you done with craig tucker?

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** and thus craig tucker ascended to another plane of communication where he need only speak using a single emoji

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** hey craig what are your thoughts on global warming?

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Slide:** What about school?

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** what about our local spazz Tweek Tweak?

 

 **Creeg:** …

 

 **Jimothy:** Come on craig. Tell us what you think about Tweek.

 

 **Creeg:** …

 

 **Creeg:** <3

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** awwwwwww

 

 **Creeg:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

_Craig Tucker has left Freedom Pals_

 

 **Lyle:** aaaaaand there he goes

 

_Kenny McCormick added Craig Tucker to Freedom Pals_

 

_Kenny McCormick changed Craig Tucker’s name to Creeg_

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** you cant escape that easily

 

 **Creeg:** god fucking damn it

 

 **Stand:** so like are we keeping the name freedom pals or what?

 

 **Creeg:** the real question is are we keeping kenny’s stupid fucking nicknames

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** um rude my nicknames are perfect creeg

 

 **Lyle:** Yeah, no, we’re changing those too.

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** i cant believe this betrayal

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed his name to Kyle_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Stan Marsh’s name to Stan_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Clyde Donovan’s name to Clyde_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Token Black’s name to Token_

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** oh come on kyle thats so boring

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Craig Tucker’s name to Craig_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Tweek Tweak’s name to Tweek_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Butters Stotch’s name to Butters_

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** what nooooo at least keep butters name that one was perfect

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Jimmy Valmer’s name to Jimmy_

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Timmy Burch’s name to Timmy_

 

 **Sexy Beast ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):** wait kyle dont do it

 

_Kyle Broflovski changed Kenny McCormick’s name to Kenny_

 

 **Kenny:** NOOOOO

 

 **Kyle:** There we go. Now everything is in order.

 

 **Fatass:** Wait what about my name?

 

 **Kyle:** What about your name, Fatass?

 

 **Fatass:** Oh fuck you kyle

 

_Kenny McCormick changed the chat name to Kenny’s Hoes ( ˘ ³˘)♥_

 

 **Kyle:** Kenny, no.

 

 **Kenny:** kenny yes

 

 **Tweek:** Oh geez there are so many unread messages why do you guys talk so much?

 

 **Craig:** don’t worry Tweek there’s no point reading any of them you’re not missing anything

 

 **Kenny:** yeah tweek ill sum it all up for you

 

 **Kenny:** blah blah blah the freedom pals group chat is now just a regular one blah blah blah no one likes my genius nicknames blah blah blah we got craig to start using an emoji and then tricked him into being soft blah blah blah he left we brought him back and here we are

 

 **Tweek:** Craig? Soft? I have to see this.

 

 **Craig:** Tweek no

 

 **Kenny:** TWEEK YES

 

 **Tweek:** Aww Craig <3

 

 **Craig:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

 

 **Tweek:** ( ♥ **͜** ♥)_╭∩╮

 

 **Kenny:** oh my god you guys are adorable

 

 **Clyde:** YOU GUYS CRAIG JUST GASPED

 

 **Clyde:** GUYS CRAIG IS BLUSHING SO HARD ITS ADORABFFJHWBJKHB

 

 **Tweek:** Clyde?

 

 **Token:** I guarantee you craig punched him

 

 **Craig:** you would be correct

 

 **Clyde:** That hurt but it doesnt change the fact that you are still super red

 

 **Craig:** you’ll have to come out of the bathroom someday donovan and when you do i will be waiting ready to punch you in the face

 

 **Clyde:** You wouldnt

 

 **Craig:** clyde we’ve been friends for a long time now

 

 **Craig:** do you really doubt that i would

 

 **Clyde:** Oh god

 

 **Jimmy:** Clyde are you really hiding from craig in the bathroom?

 

 **Clyde:** Wouldn’t you?

 

 **Jimmy:** Good point.

 

 **Craig:** i’m glad i instill that kind of fear within you all

 

 **Fatass:** Im not fucking scared of you craig

 

 **Craig:** not yet

 

 **Kenny:** ominous. i like it.

 

 **Tweek:** I’m not scared of you Craig.

 

 **Craig:** you’re the one person who shouldn’t be

 

 **Kenny:** AWWWWW

 

 **Craig:** shut it mccormick

 

 **Kenny:** ( ˘ ³˘)♥

  
**Craig:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clyde: Stan what are you doing can i come hang out?
> 
> Stan: no im hanging out with kyle.
> 
> Kenny: yeah clyde dont interrupt their date
> 
> Kyle: Shut the fuck up Kenny.
> 
> Kenny: ( ˘ ³˘)♥
> 
> Clyde: Kenny can i hang out with you?
> 
> Kenny: nah sorry clyde im hanging out with butters
> 
> Stan: yeah dont interrupt their date.
> 
> Kenny: yeah dont interrupt our date

**_Kenny’s Hoes ( ˘ ³˘)♥_ **

_ 21/11/17 4:38pm _

 

**Kyle:** So, Clyde, did you ever manage to escape the bathroom?

 

**Clyde:** No

 

**Clyde:** I’ve been in here for hours

 

**Clyde:** My mother died in this bathroom and it seems that i will die here too

 

**Kyle:** Jesus fucking Christ, Clyde.

 

**Stan:** dude thats so dark what the fuck.

 

**Jimmy:** Holy shit.

 

**Craig:** shut the fuck up clyde we both know that you got hungry after five minutes and begged me on your hands and knees not to punch you so you could come out and get food

 

**Clyde:** Craig why must you out me like this

 

**Craig:** because i live for your suffering?

 

**Clyde:** Oh yeah

 

**Butters:** Oh geez Craig that’s not very nice.

 

**Craig:** butters in case you haven’t noticed i’m not very nice

 

**Butters:** Well that’s just not true at all Craig.

 

**Tweek:** Yeah Craig you’re really nice to me?

 

**Craig:** that’s because i LIKE you dumbass

 

**Butters:** Exactly. Once you care about someone, you would do anything to protect them, right?

 

**Craig:** …

 

**Craig:** i mean yeah

 

**Clyde:** Youre such a fucking hufflepuff man

 

**Craig:** what

 

**Craig:** no im not

 

**Craig:** fuck you

 

**Tweek:** Craig you are absolutely a Hufflepuff.

 

**Clyde:** Dude we’re doing a hogwarts house quiz right now

 

**Craig:** fine

  
  
  


**Clyde:** WE WERE RIGHT GUYS HES A HUFFLEPUFF

 

**Tweek:** I knew it.

 

**Craig:** god fucking damn it

 

**Clyde:** Aww the big bad craig is secretly a soft little hufflepuff

 

**Craig:** just because i’m a hufflepuff doesn’t mean i can’t still kick your ass clyde

 

**Clyde:** But you wouldnt because you caaaare about meee ( ˘ ³˘)♥

  
  
  


**Clyde:** I was wrong to assume that just because craig is a hufflepuff and cares about me that he would not punch me in the balls

 

**Kyle:** Did he punch you in the balls?

 

**Clyde:** Yes

 

**Clyde:** And then he ditched me to go hang out with tweek

 

**Kenny:** top 10 anime betrayals 

 

**Clyde:** Truly

 

~*~

_ 21/11/17 6:17pm _

 

**Clyde:** Im bored whats everyone up to?

  
  
  


**Clyde:** Wow im glad everyone is having so much fun without me

 

**Stan:** oh my god clyde just go watch tv or something.

 

**Clyde:** But im lonely

 

**Clyde:** Stan what are you doing can i come hang out?

 

**Stan:** no im hanging out with kyle.

 

**Kenny:** yeah clyde dont interrupt their date

 

**Kyle:** Shut the fuck up Kenny.

 

**Kenny:** ( ˘ ³˘)♥

 

**Clyde:** Kenny can i hang out with you?

 

**Kenny:** nah sorry clyde im hanging out with butters

 

**Stan:** yeah dont interrupt their date.

 

**Kenny:** yeah dont interrupt our date

 

**Butters:** Kenny!

 

**Kenny:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**Stan:** whoa are you guys actually? like? dating?

 

**Kenny:** nah 

 

**Kenny:** unlike you i know how to take a joke

 

**Kenny:** youd think that maybe you getting all defensive might mean

 

**Kenny:** youre actually

 

**Kenny:** on a date

 

**Kyle:** Shut up.

 

**Kenny:** nice job proving my point kyle

 

**Kyle:** Goddamnit.

 

**Kenny:** ok but in all seriousness

 

**Kenny:** stan and kyle would be such a good couple

 

**Clyde:** You are absolutely right they would be such a power couple

 

**Stan:** could you guys just like shut the fuck up.

 

**Kenny:** nope

 

**Stan:** fuck you.

 

**Kenny:** i mean if you want to

 

**Kyle:** KENNY WE ARE TEN.

 

**Kenny:** i mean

 

**Kenny:** if your age is on the clock

 

**Kenny:** youre ready for

 

**Kyle:** KENNY.

 

**Kenny:** school

 

**Kenny:** what did you think i was going to say kyle?

 

**Clyde:** I am fucking losing it 

 

**Kenny:** thank you ill be here all night

 

**Butters:** No you will not. You need to get some sleep.

 

**Kenny:** what no i was just

 

**Kenny:** yeah ok

 

**Clyde:** Ha whipped

 

**Kenny:** thats pretty kinky clyde

 

**Clyde:** You know it

 

**Kyle:** You two are the worst.

 

**Kenny:** thank you i try

 

**Clyde:** Guys im still super bored does ANYONE want to hang out with me?

 

**Token:** Not particularly.

 

**Clyde:** TOKEN???? WHY???

 

**Token:** Because unlike the rest of you i am *actually* on a date.

 

**Kenny:** you say that and yet here you are on your phone

 

**Kenny:** suspicious

 

**Token:** She's in the bathroom.

 

**Kenny:** carry on then

 

**Clyde:** I cant believe my two best friends have ditched me to go be in love or whatever 

 

**Clyde:** Whatever happened to bros before hoes?

 

**Token:** Dude don't call my girlfriend a hoe.

 

**Tweek:** I’m not a hoe asshole.

 

**Clyde:** Fuck yeah im sorry that was a bad move

 

**Clyde:** But uhhhhhh my point still stands

 

**Clyde:** While you guys are off being all in love and whatnot i am sad and alone and no one will hang out with me

 

**Craig:** wow clyde thats so sad

 

**Craig:** do you hear the sounds of my tiny violin

 

**Clyde:** Rude

 

**Clyde:** Like even fatass has a girlfriend why is no one in love with me yet?

 

**Craig:** because all you do is whine to your friends instead of oh i don’t know meeting a girl and getting to know her

 

**Clyde:** What thats not how it works 

 

**Craig:** what the fuck do you mean thats not how it works

 

**Clyde:** Love only happens when some weird circumstance forces two people together until they fall for each other

 

**Kenny:** explain

 

**Clyde:** Well just look at our three resident couples

 

**Clyde:** Token and nichole got together because they accidentally got stuck in the boys locker room together

 

**Fatass:** Yes

 

**Fatass:** Accidentally

 

**Clyde:** That was a strange addition but moving on

 

**Clyde:** Tweek and craig got together because the asian girls decided they should be gay and started drawing pictures of them which led to everyone pushing them together 

 

**Clyde:** And fatass and heidi got together because they both committed social media suicide

 

**Fatass:** IT WAS NOT SUICIDE YOU GUYS FUCKING DESTROYED ALL MY STUFF

 

**Clyde:** Tomato tomato

 

**Kyle:** That really does not work over text.

 

**Clyde:** Whatever you guys know what i mean

 

**Clyde:** But seriously all of the current couples had no intention of dating each other before some outside thing forced them together

 

**Clyde:** You dont just go meet someone and fall for them

 

**Clyde:** You have to be forced into your lovers arms

 

**Kenny:** holy shit dude youre so right

 

**Clyde:** RIGHT?!

 

**Clyde:** This shit is crazy 

 

**Kyle:** I don't know whether to be uplifted or horrified at the discovery that we apparently have no say in our love life.

 

**Craig:** im just shocked that something this insightful came out of clyde

 

**Clyde:** Dont be fucking mean dude im smart

 

**Craig:** apparently you are

 

**Clyde:** Yeah well fuck you too!

 

**Clyde:** Oh shit you actually agreed with me

 

**Clyde:** Guys are we certain that we added the right craig to this chat?

 

**Tweek:** Oh god don't make me start questioning that.

 

**Kyle:** So, hypothetically, if you already liked someone, then by the rules of this apparent ‘love forces people who wouldn't consider each other together’ thing, you wouldn't end up with that person?

 

**Kenny:** oooooo kyle has a cruUuUuUuUush

 

**Kyle:** HYPOTHETICALLY!

 

**Clyde:** Well i mean based on the three examples no

 

**Kyle:** oh

 

**Clyde:** But also like none of those people already liked anyone else? Maybe if you really liked this person the universe would be like ‘yeah ok im into that’ and put you together 

 

**Kyle:** Ok…

 

**Kenny:** kyle has a cruuuush kyle has a cruuush

 

**Kyle:** Shut the fuck up Kenneth.

 

**Kenny:** oh damn were breaking out the full names you must be smitten

 

**Kenny:** if its not stan youre in love with ill kill myself

 

**Craig:** wow thats intense

 

**Butters:** Kenny no!

 

**Clyde:** I mean same dude but wow

 

**Fatass:** Whats the big deal assholes kenny dies all the time

 

**Kyle:** What the fuck are you talking about?

 

**Kenny:** …

 

**Kenny:** you…

 

**Kenny:** you remember?????

 

**Craig:** what the fuck is going on

 

**Kenny:** holy shit you actually??

 

**Kenny:** you actually remember me dying all the time????

 

**Fatass:** Well yeah you die like every other day but then you just fucking show up again the next morning

 

**Fatass:** Its fucking weird dude

 

**Kenny:** HOLY SHIT DUDE SOMEONE ACTUALLY FUCKING REMEMBERS

 

**Kenny:** CARTMAN YOU GLORIOUS ASSHOLE 

 

**Stan:** what the absolute fuck are you talking about?

 

**Kyle:** Yeah. How could Kenny “die all the time” when he's right here, alive?

 

**Kenny:** I CANT BELIEVE OUR RESIDENT SOCIOPATH OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD BE THE ONE PERSON TO REMEMBER ME DYING ALL THE TIME

 

**Fatass:** Hey im not a sociopath you asshole!

 

**Fatass:** Wait whats a sociopath 

 

**Kyle:** Basically you have no conscious and only care about yourself.

 

**Fatass:** Oh

 

**Fatass:** Well nevermind then carry on

 

**Stan:** kenny what the fuck do you mean you die all the time?

 

**Kenny:** dude i die like constantly 

 

**Kyle:** I think we would remember one of our best friends dying.

 

**Kenny:** youd fucking think so but nope

 

**Kenny:** i have literally killed myself in front of you assholes at least 3 times and yet here we are

 

**Stan:** ????????

 

**Stan:** oh i see whats going on

 

**Stan:** nice prank assholes

 

**Kenny:** what no its not

 

**Kenny:** ugh

 

**Kenny:** whatever

 

**Kenny:** but hey we derailed the conversation from kyles love life lets head back to that

 

**Kyle:** Lets not.

 

**Kenny:** whats the matter kyle

 

**Kenny:** is you crush

 

**Kenny:** in this very chat

 

**Kenny:** maybe going by the name staniel

 

**Stan:** thats not my full name kenny.

 

**Kenny:** it should be

 

**Kyle:** Dude can you just let it go?

 

**Kyle:** I don't want to talk about it. 

 

**Kenny:** hmmm suspicious 

 

**Kyle:** Kenny, please. 

 

**Kenny:** right yeah ok im sorry 

 

**Kenny:** youre right im going too far ill stop

 

**Kyle:** Thank you.

 

**Kenny:** but for the record i still stand by the fact that if it isnt stan ill kill myself

  
**Kyle:** KENNY!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: post the next chapter in a week and pretend you'll have a consistent upload schedule.  
> Also Me: UPLOAD IMMEDIATELYYYYY
> 
> i literally would have uploaded this next chapter like 2 hours after the last one but my best friend talked me out of it so uhhh here it is now instead
> 
> lmao the beginning was dodge but I HAVE A HUFFLEPUFF CRAIG AGENDA in case you couldnt tell  
> i also have a style agenda and i speak through kenny
> 
> oh yeah also this is set after franchise prequel and before hummels & heroin (im making up time bc why the fuck not and like i might incorporate canon into this??? idk yet we'll see) so cartman and heidi are still a thing yikes
> 
> also i dont rememeber which episode but there was an ep where cartman says something about how kenny dies all the time and i saw someone made a kind of jokey theory that that means that cartman remembers kenny's death and uhhhhh thats canon now bc thats kind of hilarious to me???? so here it is lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**_Kenny’s Hoes ( ˘ ³˘)♥_ **

 

_22/11/17 3:15am_

 

**Kenny:** was it a bad idea to stay up all night reading about conspiracy theories?

 

**Kenny:** yes

 

**Kenny:** did i do it anyway?

 

**Kenny:** absolutely

 

**Kenny:** so anyway is anyone up? i wanna discuss conspiracy theories

 

**Tweek:** I am always awake and always ready to discuss conspiracies.

 

**Kenny:** ok first conspiracy how the fuck do you manage to survive on no sleep?

 

**Tweek:** It’s a mixture of coffee and anxiety.

 

**Tweek:** It’s not good if you want to live to be 80 but it is great for not getting your underpants stolen in the night.

 

**Kenny:** live fast die young am i right

 

**Kenny:** wait what’s this about stolen underpants?

 

**Tweek:** Underpants gnomes man. They come in the night and steal my underpants.

 

**Kenny:** oh yeah i remember when you wanted us to do that project on them in third grade

 

**Tweek:** Yeah. They still haven’t figured out the step between collecting underpants and profit, but that hasn’t stopped them from taking my underpants anyway.

 

**Tweek:** I can’t afford to keep losing my underpants man, so I’ve been staying up to scare them away each night.

 

**Kenny:** seems logical

 

**Kenny:** why don’t you just lock the underpants away or hide them or something?

 

**Tweek:** I’ve tried. This is the only thing that seems to work so I just keep at it.

 

**Kenny:** well that sucks

 

**Kenny:** anyway mothman is my boyfriend

 

**Tweek:** What dude no way I wanna date Mothman.

 

**Kenny:** tweek you already have a boyfriend

 

**Tweek:** Yeah but it’s Mothman.

 

**Kenny:** true

 

**Kenny:** i dont think craig will be happy to discover that he has to fight for your affections with a cryptid

 

**Tweek:** He knew what he was getting into when he started dating me.

 

**Tweek:** Besides, who said I can’t date Craig AND Mothman?

 

**Kenny:** no tweek you only get one cryptid

 

**Tweek:** Are you saying that my boyfriend is a cryptid?

 

**Kenny:** yes

 

**Tweek:** Care to elaborate?

 

**Kenny:** no one knows anything about him

 

**Kenny:** he wont let you take pictures of him

 

**Kenny:** are we really sure that he exists?

 

**Tweek:** It may be the lack of sleep talking but that makes a lot of sense.

 

**Tweek:** Aww I’m dating a cryptid!

 

**Kenny:** so i can have mothman?

 

**Tweek:** …

 

**Tweek:** Fine.

 

**Kenny:** hell yeah

 

**Stan:** is it really your choice who mothman dates?

 

**Kenny:** stan i can woo anyone

 

**Kenny:** mothman will be mine

 

**Stan:** kenny youre ten. mothman is like who even knows how old.

 

**Kenny:** mothman

 

**Kenny:** will

 

**Kenny:** be

 

**Kenny:** mine

 

**Tweek:** That’s the spirit.

 

**Tweek:** Oh wait here come the underpants gnomes. I’ll be back.

 

**Kenny:** kick their asses dude

  
  


**Tweek:** Ok I scared them off, but now I’m kind of exhausted so I might actually sleep.

 

**Tweek:** Have fun with your conspiracies man.

 

**Kenny:** goodnight sweet prince

 

~*~

 

_22/11/17 4:21am_

 

**Kenny:** haha blaze it

 

**Kenny:** wait fuck

 

**Stan:** good job dumbass.

 

~*~

 

_22/11/17 8:02am_

 

**Craig:** i can’t believe my boyfriend almost left me for a moth

 

**Kenny:** it happens to the best of us

 

**Tweek:** Excuse you he is not just a moth.

 

**Tweek:** He is a MAN.

 

**Tweek:** A Mothman.

 

**Craig:** oh my god

 

**Kenny:** craig he chose you over MOTHMAN you must be special

 

**Craig:** oh my god shut up

 

**Butters:** That’s so sweet!

 

**Craig:** fuck you all i’m leaving

 

**Tweek:** Mothman wouldn’t leave.

 

**Craig:** he’s a cryptid isn’t that his fucking job?

 

**Kyle:** Stan, Kenny, did you guys even sleep last night?

 

**Kenny:** sleep is for the weak

 

**Kyle:** I’ll take that as a no.

 

**Stan:** i would sleep all day if we didn’t have school.

 

**Kyle:** Well then maybe you should sleep at night, like a normal person.

 

**Stan:** or

 

**Stan:** consider

 

**Stan:** i could die instead.

 

**Kenny:** genius

 

**Kyle:** No one is dying.

 

**Kenny:** just you fucking watch me

 

**Tweek:** I can bring extra coffee today if anyone wants it.

 

**Kenny:** tweek i would die for you

 

**Kyle:** Kenny you asshole stop talking about dying. You’re not allowed to die.

 

**Kenny:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**Kenny:** but yeah tweek i am here for some coffee

 

**Tweek:** Sure thing I’ll bring you some!

 

**Kenny:** bless you child

 

~*~

 

_22/11/17 10:19am_

 

**Kenny:** tweek what the fuck is in this coffee it tastes like death

 

**Tweek:** Normal coffee stuff?

 

**Tweek:** Is coffee not supposed to taste like this?

 

**Kenny:** no tweek this is the worst

 

**Kenny:** i see you chug like 20 cups of this a day how can you stand it?

 

**Tweek:** Well, I mean, my parents sort of raised me on it? I’m just used to it. I’m sorry you don’t like it.

 

**Kenny:** dude youve done nothing wrong its ok

 

**Kenny:** but seriously what is in this stuff?

 

**Tweek:** Coffee beans, milk, water, ‘natural ingredients’?

 

**Kenny:** ‘natural ingredients’?

 

**Tweek:** That’s what my dad calls the secret ingredient that goes into the coffee.

 

**Kenny:** dude thats probably what makes it taste like shit

 

**Kenny:** do you know what the secret ingredient is?

 

**Tweek:** No. But I know we get it from some place near the back of your house.

 

**Kenny:** …

 

**Kenny:** the back of MY house???

 

**Tweek:** Yeah?

 

**Kenny:** dude

 

**Kenny:** the only thing at the back of my house is a meth lab

 

**Tweek:** What?

 

**Kenny:** i hate to tell you this tweek but i think your parents put meth in their coffee

  
  


**Kenny:** tweek?

  
  


**Kenny:** tweek im worried are you ok?

  
  


**Kenny:** guys can someone please make sure tweek is ok idk where hed be

 

~*~

 

_22/11/17 5:26pm_

 

**Kenny:** please tell me someone found tweek and that hes ok

 

**Craig:** i found him but he’s not ok

 

**Kenny:** god im so fucking sorry i didnt want to fuck tweek up like that

 

**Craig:** dude if anyone fucked him up it was his goddamn fucking parents

 

**Craig:** honestly it’s probably good that you pointed it out he could have been drinking that shit all his life

 

**Craig:** i’m going to kill his fucking parents

 

**Kenny:** not if i get there first

 

**Kenny:** so whats he going to do?

 

**Craig:** god i dont fucking know

 

**Craig:** we’re 10 we shouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit

 

**Kenny:** its south park

 

**Kenny:** what did you expect

 

**Kenny:** where is he now?

 

**Craig:** i brought him home. he’s sleeping and i’m going to talk to my parents about all this when he wakes up

 

**Craig:** i would talk to them while he’s asleep but…

 

**Kenny:** hes resting his head on you and you can never move again?

 

**Craig:** pretty much

 

**Kenny:** god im so sorry this is happening to him

 

**Kenny:** if he needs anything tell him im here for him

 

**Craig:** thanks man

 

**Craig:** i guess you’re not as much of an asshole as i thought

 

**Kenny:** right back at you soft boy

 

**Craig:** shut up asshole

 

~*~

 

_22/11/17 8:43pm_

 

**Tweek:** guess im never drinking coffee again

 

**Kenny:** there goes your entire aesthetic

 

**Tweek:** probably for the best

 

**Kenny:** ok but seriously dude how are you doing?

 

**Tweek:** pretty terrible to be honest

 

**Kenny:** that fucking sucks dude im so sorry

 

**Tweek:** honestly man as much as this fucking sucks im really glad i know now

 

**Tweek:** i mean im a 10 year old meth addict so thats fun but now at least i can try and fix that

 

**Tweek:** so thanks man

 

**Kenny:** dude no problem

 

**Kenny:** if you need anything im here for you

 

**Tweek:** i appreciate that

 

**Tweek:** well time to go sleep off that newfound depression

 

**Kenny:** big mood

 

**Tweek:** also none of you are allowed to kill my parents

 

**Kenny:** but they fucking raised you on meth!

 

**Tweek:** i know

 

**Tweek:** but you cant kill them until i get a hit in

 

**Kenny:** tweek you are my actual hero

 

**Tweek:** thanks

 

**Tweek:** now i need to go find my human pillow so i can take a nap

 

**Kenny:** thats beautiful

 

_Kenny McCormick changed Craig Tucker’s name to Human Pillow_

  
**Human Pillow:** ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally started playing Phone Destroyer and uhhh why am I even writing a group chat fic when there's a canon group chat there already???
> 
> I just wanted some nice Tweek content and I just had to go and make it all dark I'm so sorry squadfam. 
> 
> Also Kenny is me in every group chat where every time someone says anything boom there we are ready to throw in some memes and some friendship and I think thats beautiful.
> 
> Oh yeah and Kenny is not going to be at all like romantically involved with Tweek I'm not here for that, he's just a soft boy who wants to protect all his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> I only got rid of Scott Malkinson bc I have no idea how to write him but uhhh I still adore him. I'm also not sure yet if I want Timmy to like talk in this chat like he can in The Fractured But Whole or if he's just... a silent observer... we'll see I just love that boy.  
> Craig is my favourite so prepare for a lot of love for him.  
> This is the first fic I've written since my 2013 1D phase HOO BOY this should be a wild ride.  
> I planned on writing this as a way to figure out how to properly write these characters and yet... here they are... super ooc... fantastic.


End file.
